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Why Most Difficult Conversation Training Is Complete Rubbish (And the Three Things That Actually Work)
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Here's something that'll probably annoy half the HR department: those fancy "difficult conversation frameworks" you've been taught are making things worse, not better.
I've been training managers for seventeen years now, and I reckon about 73% of workplace conflicts could be sorted in under five minutes if people just stopped overthinking it. But instead, we've got everyone walking around with their STAR technique and their "non-violent communication" scripts, turning every workplace disagreement into some sort of therapeutic intervention.
Don't get me wrong. Structure has its place. But when you're dealing with Sarah from accounts who's been arriving two hours late every day, you don't need a 45-minute facilitated discussion about "impact and intent." You need to have a bloody conversation.
The Real Problem Nobody Talks About
The biggest issue I see in workplaces across Melbourne, Sydney, and everywhere in between isn't that people don't know HOW to have difficult conversations. It's that they've been trained to believe these conversations are somehow more complicated than they actually are.
Take last month. I was working with a team leader in Brisbane who'd been "preparing" for a performance conversation with one of his staff for three weeks. Three weeks! He had flowcharts, contingency plans, and enough documentation to launch a space shuttle. The actual issue? The employee was interrupting everyone in meetings.
The conversation took four minutes. Problem solved.
What Actually Works (And Why Most Training Gets It Wrong)
Here's where I'm going to lose the purists: the best difficult conversations aren't difficult at all. They're just honest.
First thing: Stop calling them "difficult conversations." Start calling them "necessary conversations." The language matters more than you think. When you frame something as difficult, your brain immediately starts looking for ways to avoid it or complicate it.
Second thing: Forget the sandwich method. You know the one - compliment, criticism, compliment. It's patronising and everyone sees right through it. People aren't idiots. They know when you're buttering them up before dropping the hammer.
Third thing: Be specific about what you need to change, not how someone feels about it. This one's huge. I see managers getting bogged down in endless discussions about emotions and perspectives when what they really need is behaviour change.
When I was coming up through middle management - this would've been early 2000s - I made every mistake in the book. I once spent forty-five minutes trying to "explore the underlying dynamics" with a sales rep who was consistently missing targets. Turned out he just needed clearer metrics and weekly check-ins. Could've been sorted in five minutes if I'd just asked what support he needed instead of psychoanalysing his motivation.
The Three Conversations That Changed My Mind
The Direct Approach - Perth, 2019
Manufacturing supervisor, productivity issues with a long-term employee. Instead of the usual performance improvement plan dance, she just said: "Jim, your output's dropped 30% since March. What's going on?"
Turns out Jim's wife had been diagnosed with dementia and he was struggling to concentrate. Two-week adjustment period, some flexible hours, problem solved. No framework needed.
The Boundary Setting - Adelaide, 2020
Team leader dealing with a colleague who kept dumping extra work on her team without consultation. She tried the "collaborative problem-solving approach" for months. Finally, she just said: "This stops now. Any additional projects need to go through me first."
Pushback lasted about two days. Then it stopped. Sometimes people just need to know where the line is.
The Reality Check - Melbourne, 2021
Sales manager with an underperformer who kept making excuses. Manager had been trying to "coach through the resistance" for months. Eventually just said: "Look, mate, the results aren't there. We need to see improvement in the next six weeks or we'll need to look at other options."
Guy lifted his game immediately. Sometimes people just need to understand the stakes.
Now, I'm not saying every conversation should be this blunt. Context matters. But I am saying that most of the time, clarity trumps cleverness.
Where Most Training Programs Go Wrong
The problem with formal managing difficult conversations training is that it treats every workplace conflict like a UN peace negotiation. Most workplace issues aren't that complex.
Someone's always late? Talk to them about punctuality. Someone's not pulling their weight? Talk to them about expectations. Someone's being disruptive? Talk to them about behaviour.
It really can be that straightforward.
But here's what happens instead: we send people off to workshops where they learn about "emotional intelligence" and "conflict resolution styles" and they come back more confused than when they left. They're so worried about following the process that they forget to actually solve the problem.
I saw this recently with a client who'd just completed an expensive communication training program. She came to me because she was "struggling to implement the learnings." Turned out she was spending so much time trying to remember which quadrant her employee fitted into that she'd completely lost sight of the actual issue she needed to address.
The Australian Way (Which Usually Works)
There's something to be said for the straightforward Australian approach to workplace communication. We're generally pretty good at calling a spade a spade without being unnecessarily harsh about it.
Compare this to some of the American-influenced training programs that have people tiptoeing around issues for weeks. I'm not having a crack at our mates across the Pacific, but sometimes their approach to "sensitive communication" creates more problems than it solves.
Woolworths does this really well, actually. Their managers are trained to be direct but fair. No beating around the bush, but always respectful. It's a balance worth copying.
The Five-Minute Framework That Actually Works
Alright, if you're going to insist on having a framework, here's mine. It's deliberately simple because simple things get used.
Minute 1: State the issue clearly Minute 2: Listen to their response Minute 3: Agree on what needs to change Minute 4: Set a timeline for improvement Minute 5: Schedule follow-up
That's it. No personality assessments, no deep dives into communication styles, no exploration of underlying beliefs and values.
Obviously, some conversations need longer than five minutes. But you'd be surprised how many workplace issues can be resolved with this approach.
What About the Really Difficult Ones?
Fair question. Sometimes you do need more than a five-minute chat. When you're dealing with serious performance issues, workplace harassment, or significant disciplinary matters, you need proper processes and documentation.
But even then, the core principle remains the same: clarity beats complexity.
I worked with a HR director in Canberra last year who was dealing with a harassment complaint. Instead of getting lost in elaborate mediation processes, she focused on three questions: What happened? What needs to stop? What support do you need?
Complaint resolved, workplace improved, everyone moved on.
The Bit About Emotional Intelligence Training
Now, before the emotional intelligence crowd comes for me, I'm not saying EQ doesn't matter. It absolutely does. Understanding how people tick is crucial for good management.
But here's what I've noticed: the people who are naturally good at reading emotions don't need elaborate training frameworks. And the people who aren't naturally good at it don't become experts just because they've memorised some models.
What everyone needs is permission to be human in these conversations. To acknowledge when things are awkward, to admit when you don't have all the answers, to focus on practical solutions rather than perfect processes.
The Technology Tangent
Speaking of being human, can we talk about how video calls have completely changed difficult conversations?
Half the nuance gets lost when you're staring at someone through a laptop screen. I've seen perfectly reasonable discussions turn into disasters because someone's internet was lagging and it looked like they were ignoring the other person.
Yet we keep pretending that virtual difficult conversations are just as effective as face-to-face ones. They're not. If it's important, get in the same room. If you can't get in the same room, at least pick up the phone.
This probably makes me sound like a dinosaur, but some things are just better done the old-fashioned way.
Why This Matters More Than Ever
With all the changes in workplaces over the past few years - remote work, generational differences, increased mental health awareness - you'd think difficult conversations would be getting easier. After all, we're supposedly more emotionally intelligent and communication-savvy than ever before.
But I'm seeing the opposite. People are more anxious about workplace conversations, not less. They're so worried about saying the wrong thing that they either avoid necessary conversations entirely or turn them into elaborate productions that exhaust everyone involved.
The irony is that most people just want clarity and fairness. They want to know where they stand, what's expected of them, and how they can improve. All this dancing around the issues just creates more anxiety, not less.
The Bottom Line
Look, I've probably oversimplified things a bit here. Every workplace is different, every team has its own dynamics, and some situations genuinely are complex.
But after nearly two decades of watching managers tie themselves in knots over conversations that should be straightforward, I'm convinced we've overcomplicated something that's fundamentally pretty simple.
Be clear about what you need. Listen to their perspective. Focus on solutions. Follow up to make sure things improve.
Most of the time, that's enough. And when it's not enough, at least you'll know you need to escalate rather than continuing to have the same conversation over and over again.
The best difficult conversation is usually the one you have sooner rather than later, with less preparation and more honesty than the experts recommend.
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